KuraFire Network

It's finally time: I'm changing the structure, nature and overall feel of the site entirely. Gone with the web standards-blogging (for now), no more "strictly professional content" policy (I failed on that a few times, anyway). Comments are off, due to the site turning static for a while, and to start off in the new direction I present to you a long post about far more personal subjects than I've ever blogged about.

Last Tuesday I watched two movies that will have a lasting impact on me.

Sat waiting for my flight to board at SFO, I watched An Inconvenient Truth, the movie by Al Gore about the ongoing environmental crisis that we're all part of - not just contributing to, but as much a part of the solution as well.

I've been concerned about this for a while now, as the Netherlands will be one of the first areas in the world to feel the consequences in the worst way possible: near-complete annihilation. A similar painful reality is that my favorite place in the world is just as much under a threat as my home country is: the San Francisco Bay Area.

What was missing from the picture as far as I knew it was the severity of the situation, and the obstacles currently keeping us from reversing the situation. I'm not going to go into the details as this is not what is on my mind so much right now, it's something that this has led to. I will say, however, that I strongly urge and kindly request that anyone who reads this will go out and watch this movie. Buy it even, then after you're done watching it, pass it on to someone.

I'll be getting back to this subject a lot more in the future, I'm sure.

The second movie that I watched is The Queen, which was one of the movies on the flight. It was a real challenge keeping myself from totally choking up while watching it - and I'm not even British. Still, I remember when I found out about Diana's death and I remember seeing it unravel on TV, and it had a giant impact on me then but in many ways I never quite realized just how big of an impact.

Watching this movie and seeing the original footage interspersed with it, seeing that vast sea of flowers brought it all back again. The massiveness of how not just the UK but much of the entire world responded to it all is nearly unfathomable.

Of course, this is all relative to one's perspective on it all. But something out of both movies made me realize something else… and part of that stems from my experiences over the past two weeks.

Something that's been going through my mind for a while now is a question of existentialism and purpose.

Ever since my departure from high school I've felt that I have taken my life into my own hands, shaped it to be whatever I wanted it to be. Certainly, the past six and a half years of my life serve as relatively thorough evidence that I have, in fact, done so successfully. Several major turning points in my life over that period have had a gigantic impact on where I am today, where I am right now even.

In the past two weeks I've gone through another such turning point, but rather than have it be the result of a decision I made, it is the result of a decision made by someone else. This decision ultimately led me to reevaluate a great many things about my current outlook on life, my approach to certain things and my plans for the future.

There has been a question plaguing me for many years, and while it has never truly formed coherently in my mind - something that I feel will be the first step towards me actually "answering" it - it essentially goes like this: what is my plan?

Or if you will, it is the ego-centric version of the "ultimate" question: what is the purpose of my life?

Obviously that's not just a loaded question, but also a pretty silly one to ask oneself. It's the most existential question you could come up with, pretty much, and one that all of humankind has spent much longer than my lifetime on already. But I'm being serious here.

Ever since I was sixteen I've felt that there was something greater than myself, greater than my life, that I was meant to do. Not in the "and that's what I'll end up doing" kind of way, but in the "and I hope I'll figure out what it is, in time for me to try and actually do something with that knowledge" way.

If there's one lesson that I as a person have learned over the past years, it is that you control your own life to a much greater extent than you'll ever understand. I am truly convinced of that. Call it faith, call it karma, call it whatever you want - but your subconsciousness, your wishes and actions, your dreams… they all dictate what happens and doesn't happen in your life.

Take for instance Al Gore's example from An Inconvenient Truth. Would he have gone on to travel across the world to call attention to global warming the way he's doing now if he had become President? It's a topic that he has carried with him since his college years, and it is without question that he would have worked hard to combat global warming as a President. But he wouldn't have been able to dedicate all his time to this single issue in these crucial years for the planet.

I truly believe that something greater than "chance" was at work when the elections were taken away from him. But draw your own conclusions on it all as you see fit. My point is not about him.

An example from my own life was when, just under 4 years ago, my relationship at the time ended. It took me completely by surprise, it shattered my world, and I've been a different person ever since. I'll never fully recover from the experience, but fortunately I've recovered more than enough to have put it behind me - and to still be close friends with that girl, completely without any ill feelings towards her.

The experience didn't just change me - it changed my world, my view on life and everything. If it hadn't happened, I never would have committed myself to my passion for the web the way I did after that. And if that hadn't happened, I never would have become so outspoken on web standards, which in turn led to me ending up with the job of my dreams and in a position where I can have an impact on the lives of millions of people. Simply put, I can't possibly imagine having ended up where I am today if we had stayed together all along.

Was it all a result from my subconscious doing? I believe it played a part in it all, yes, but not a very significant one. Where my subconsciousness played an integral part was in the two years aftermath of that single event. When a passionate relationship ends, the goal for most people is to eventually move on with life again, get over it. Life goes on, right?

My subconsciousness led me in a different direction. As much as I felt terrible over losing her, over no longer being with her, I was spurred on by the thought that I now had full control of my own life (a large part of why the relationship ended was because I lost myself in her). I took that control and directed my life in a brand new direction. I was not content with just moving on, getting on with life again. I felt that it happened for a reason, painful as it may have been, and I wanted to find out what that reason was - and I knew I wouldn't ever figure it out if I just "went on with life" again. Making the best of it wasn't enough, I had to use it as the motivator for me to cross new boundaries and reach new heights.

Something inside me drove me in the direction I took in the years following, and it was for the better. Now, I'm convinced that something deep inside me knew that things would get a lot better, because I would eventually reach a milestone where I'd really make a difference for many people. That drove me, and when I reached that milestone it all served as "evidence" for my mind, telling me "See? It's not just a crazy thought."

Now, linking all this to The Queen (movie) might seem far-fetched, but the Queen (actual person) is actually a great example of purpose. She became queen at a very young age and the rest of her entire life was forced upon her through that. She was given responsibility and a position she never asked for, but accepted nonetheless (and has done so admirably well for over 50 years now).

It is of course impossible to say whether she subconsciously chose this or not, but it gives us something to take into consideration when asking this question: am I going to take control of where my life is going, or am I going to wait for things to happen for me?

In my experience, things never happen for you until you're either ready to take control, or have taken control. Then, and only then, are you actually ready to make good use of whatever opportunities cross your path.

- Faruk

Written on flight KL 606 to Amsterdam, finished at Leiden, The Netherlands.

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